So it seems as I have fallen off the face of the planet in the blog world. I have been keeping up with everyone else, I just didn’t know what exactly I wanted to say.
Last time I gave an update I was in my 2ww. Well, my first, and unfortunately, probably my last IVF attempt, was a BFF (big fat fail). I went in for my beta at 14dp2dt and my number was a 3. Most likely chemical pregnancy. I wanted answers. I knew it was probably a long shot considering I have old lady eggs, but I scheduled my follow up. Since we have to pay out of pocket for all IVF expenses, we knew already that we couldn’t afford it again. I told Dr. S I wanted a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to see if there was anything else that could have hindered out little embie from sticking around. We scheduled my surgery for the following week. Lap showed stage 2 endo (which I have had before) but he said the scarring was old and only on my ovaries. Hysteroscopy came back fine. Dr. S did say one of my ovaries looked shriveled up. The news just keeps getting better. I have old lady eggs and 1 old lady ovary.
The next step would be to start treatments again. I told Dr. S we couldn’t afford IVF again so he suggested we start IUIs again. No thanks. Those don’t work either. Then he suggested donor eggs. Nope, don’t want to do that either. I asked for some prescriptions of Femara and to not be monitored. I would do OPKs and call if I became pregnant. I am not at risk of OHSS so he gave the ok. I honestly think he felt sorry for me. I didn’t mind though. Four months with no dr. appointments? Score!
Well, I took the femara for 4 months. No pregnancy. I never once used an OPK. I didn’t even want to pay for anything pregnancy related. I should have just taken a break. Why continue when you don’t give your all? All or nothing, right? I haven’t even called the dr. to ask for more refills, nor do I care to right now. They would probably make me come in to start different treatment, and I don’t want to. I am finally taking my first official break in 3 years. It feels fabulous! When people ask what’s going on with our TTC, I say we aren’t doing anything else. I go into detail that we tried for 3 years. Naturally. Medicated. Medicated IUI. IVF. Nothing worked. I love to see the embarrassment on their face when they realized they have asked too much. Maybe it will make them think twice before questioning other couples about when they will have children. I want people to know my story without feeling sorry for me. Yes, it sucks, I know that. But don’t make me feel worse by throwing me a pity party.
My sister-in-law still hasn’t told me she is pregnant. My husband told me because he tells me everything (thankfully). And I overheard my brother-in-law telling one of my girlfriends that she couldn’t attend a bachelorette party because she was expecting but “just don’t tell Amanda because we don’t know how she will take it”. I swear, these people really must not know me. I LOVE babies! I am not mad because my sister-in-law is pregnant, or my sister who just had a baby, and not one of my best friends who got pregnant on accident. I am mad at MYSELF for not being able to get pregnant. Yes, it might sting a bit, but that’s it. I won’t be mad at you. I won’t hate you. I will love that baby with my whole heart.
We are still trying naturally for now, but I am not using OPKs, no temp charting, nothing. Just good ol’ fashioned ‘I get to have sex with my husband not on purpose’, sex!
Until next time…
X
-Amanda
just to let you know, you're not alone 
I’m sorry that things haven’t worked out for you. I really like your attitude towards others though…it’s not their fault that they are able to have babies. I don’t like that you’re made at yourself though, but I do understand. I was mad at myself for a good while after I lost our baby…but then I realized that hanging on to that wouldn’t help us at all. I wish you all the luck in the world while you’re on your break!! And who knows…miracles happen every day. 🙂
Thank you! It is hard to not be mad at myself, but I am working on that 🙂 I would really like to be part of one of those miracles. Good luck to you this month!
I’m so sorry things haven’t turned out better for you but I do get how liberating it must feel right now to have a proper break and go back to actually having sex when you feel like it. Oh how I’d love some spontaneous sex in my life!! I totally get what you mean about the other baby thing. I never get mad or upset with anyone else for their babies. In actual fact, hearing about babies gives me that wee bit of hope. And man, they are babies! Always adorable even if there is a sting there. Good luck with everything moving forward. I hope you have true happiness in your life no matter what the final outcome ends up being in the babyhood.
Thank you! I’m pretty excited about the break. I always have in the back of my head all the what ifs of not trying something like it might be my month, but I think my mind and body really needs this. Good luck to you this month! 🙂